If I were overly concerned with search engine optimization, I would title this “How to know if you are gay.” It was a search query among many similar I checked more than a few times, and it didn’t help much. I found out what really caused all the random feelings and thoughts that caused my doubts, and it’s something I didn’t find in any of those pages.
When I was younger, a friend had this really cool treehouse. You could see half the neighborhood. But I was scared. I couldn’t do more than climb to the top step and park my head on the floor. I had good friends, so they didn’t judge me. Then one day, I finally got up the courage to go all the way. It was great! I got a round of applause. Then the next day, it got torn down. It was deemed a safety hazard by some jackass bureaucrat.
This was me when I started questioning. The thought of being gay still scared me, so I couldn’t really let myself merge into the reality of it. I spent a month comparing reactions to straight porn and gay porn, binge reading personal stories seeing if anything matched, and going nuts with doubt. I decided I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t spend my days comparing and questioning only to die unfulfilled and confused.
A month after that, I’ve almost completely accepted who and what I am. And it’s great. Here’s some stuff I learned along the way.
You will become more sensitive to your feelings as you get more comfortable with the idea of being gay. Feelings come and go early on because you’ve spent your life suppressing them. Healing takes time.
Questioning your sexuality is stressful. Stress kills sex drive. This includes physical and emotional attraction. This will confuse you. Make sure you relax completely at least once a day, and I don’t mean when you go to bed.
Every gaybashing, proposed homophobic law, and hateful screed will make you doubt yourself early on. By the time you approach self-acceptance, they have the opposite effect.
You won’t feel every kind of attraction to every person of the same sex. Some will do nothing for you. This is normal whether you’re gay or straight.
Binge orientation checking–looking at pictures, etc.–is stressful. If you really can’t stop yourself, focus more on faces, and stick to big images. There’s a reason so much mythology focuses on the power contained in the face, and especially in the eyes.