I should have known I wasn’t straight decades ago. I didn’t consider the thoughts and experiences that made it obvious until recently. For example, I’d always obsessed over guys I liked, but I thought I was just being friendly. Now I know those were one-way crushes.
I have some physical attraction to women, but I rarely feel romantic attraction. This was confusing until I started thinking about it last year. My romantic attraction tended to point toward homo- instead of hetero-.
Since coming out and talking to friends about it, I’ve learned this is common. Most of my gay friends say they have some sexual and romantic attraction to women. Except for them, it’s slight to the point of irrelevance. For me, both can be intense, though they rarely happen at the same time.
It’s also not really tied to gender expression. I’ve been attracted to people of all gender and non-gender identities. There’s no real pattern aside from a strong preference for traditionally male features. So is it possible I’ll fall for a woman the way I do for guys? It’s possible, and I’m open to the idea. It’s just not likely.
So that leaves me with trying to decide what to identify as. Although I could comfortably identify as bi, I go with gay most of the time since it’s a political lightning rod. Since my attractions usually fall into what most people call gay, I’m most likely to fall in love with another man than a woman. So I’d really like to get rid of homophobia and legal discrimination for when it happens. For me, gay is a social and political identity:
- It lets people know that, yes, same-sex attraction is totally real and not something made up by “liberal elites.”
- It lets friends feeling the same thing know it’s real.
So you’re probably thinking: “why not bi or pansexual?” That comes with its own set of challenges. Aside from bi erasure, most people assume bisexuality is a 50/50 thing, and I could just choose to not chase after men and find a nice woman to settle down with. But like I said further up, that’s very unlikely because I’m closer to 5/95.